I don't remember ever fitting in, since primary school.

Ranting post ahead. As if you have to be told to know that. I'm just asking anybody reading this to not judge my writing.

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Since primary 5, since orientation in sec 1, then cca in secondary school, my sec 3/4 class, the people in jc. And while everybody's catching up with all their friends now, I'm not even talking to any besides a few I can count with 5 fingers, the occasional 'hi-byes' aside (which I end up not saying much as well). I don't think I'll be hanging out with them even if I didn't have to study. This is not for the sake of whining, it is just a very strong emotion I feel all the time.

I don't think insecurity directly links to self esteem, because my self esteem problem isn't that great a problem, I think. It's just this need for me to always feel accepted. I've never really felt accepted. Perhaps just that small handful. I feel so different from everybody else since young, just why am I like that? Why is it that people have been saying how weird I am since primary school?

I've sent another friendship almost down the drain with my insecurities, my odd habit of expressing myself too much, fearing silence and therefore blabbering about myself sometimes (disguised as self-centeredness though I admit I can be quite self-centered), sensing extreme discomfort with others most of the time because I expect too much out of a conversation

(come to think of it, it might be due to insecurity - I am desperate to dig for great, intense conversations such that the other person would feel I am close enough and see me as a friend. It's not just MY need to have great conversations, but a need for it because I want to feel close enough.)

Everybody has insecurities but nobody really voices them out as much as I do. Or maybe because mine's so obvious it shows through too easily. I try to hide them but I can't.